Healing

I’m not really sure how to go about this, but I wanted to write a little bit about the healing process that I have been going through since Brad passed away. I won’t go into describing Brad and our friendship, because I already wrote a lot about it- it’s posted here, and it’s called “Brad”. I would recommend reading it to get a better idea of what kind of a person he was, and why this has been such a devastating loss. I know that I have definitely begun healing- the pain of losing him feels less desperate now, and I am reaching a better understanding of the entire situation and what I can do with the experience. I always have to write this kind of heavy thing down, because it helps me work through it, and provides a measure of closure for me. I did it when I broke up with him, when I totaled my first car, and when I was feeling very lonely during my first year of college.

I’m going to be very candid and just share my feelings here. I was never sure how I would react if someone I loved ever passed away, because it’s something one doesn’t really want to think about. I was on my honeymoon when I got a cryptic text from a mutual friend. All it said was “hey, did you hear about Brad?”. I had had very little contact with the outside world for the past few days since I was simply enjoying being with my new husband at the Oregon Coast. I texted him back, saying that I hadn’t heard, what was going on? I think I knew as soon as my phone rang. He told me that Brad passed away that morning. Then it was as if someone else was controlling my mouth, because I shouted “NO” and actually had to clamp my hand over my mouth because I hadn’t meant to say it. I tried to contain myself long enough to thank him for letting me know.

My husband, Chris, had been sitting on the couch at the time, and I think he knew right away too, because he just pulled me over to the couch and let me sob. I think I was still in shock though, because it almost felt detached. Like I thought that maybe I could just force my grief out now, and I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. Unfortunately, that’s not the way it works. It’s been like a wound that has actually hurt more with time, as a particular scent, or sight, or song will bring back one of countless memories in vivid color.

There’s really no way to describe it- losing Brad is beyond pain. It’s beyond sadness. It feels like a gaping hole, and anger, and confusion. I really can’t describe it. I’ve been mad at God, and I haven’t been afraid to tell Him, because I know He can handle it. I have worked through every possible reason for why Brad may have had to pass away, and I’ve simply kept coming back to the same answer- there is no straightforward reason. He passed away because that is what happens to people. Summer becomes fall, and we can’t control it. It doesn’t always happen to “other people”. I learned this early in life, when I first found out that my mom’s father had been killed in a collision with a drunk driver when she was a young teen. Pain happens, and it is not discriminatory.

I don’t believe that God killed Brad, and I don’t believe that He let him die. I believe that He was there with Brad every step of the way, giving strength and comfort to him and his family, and helping him to understand the things that I haven’t yet. At Brad’s memorial service, it was evident that the faith that Brad had throughout his ordeal has strengthened the faith of his entire family, and I know from talking with him that that is exactly what Brad wanted. So I know that if this is how it had to come about, then he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I can’t believe that I used to lecture him about skipping church, this young man to whom I am now comparing my own shoddy faith.

There was something that I now know was inhibiting my ability to heal and move on, and it had to do with the fact that I had broken up with Brad after dating him for over a year. Because I am now married to the man that I know is absolutely the right one for me, I know that what I did was the right thing, but until Brad’s death it was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. Like I said earlier, I won’t go into why hurt so much, because I kind of already talked about it before when I talked about what an amazing person he was, and because to really explain would take pages and pages, and the reason that the relationship ended is, of course, very personal.

When we were dating, Brad’s family accepted me with open arms. I helped them decorate their humongous Christmas tree, I played with their dogs, they took me along to see shows, I shared Christmas with them. They are all amazing people, and I felt horrible about breaking up with Brad, because I was afraid that their opinion of me would have plummeted. After all, what parent wouldn’t side with their child during a painful breakup, especially when they’ve been hurt by someone they cared about? Until his memorial service, I didn’t see or speak to any of his family, because I figured that they wouldn’t want to see someone who had caused their son a lot of heartache. All of this compounded when he passed away, and I entertained the notion that on some strange level I was guilty of something, and that they were angry with me. The feeling was a strange one, and I could never understand it with much clarity even when I thought about it a lot. I knew it was ridiculous to blame myself or to think that anyone else did, but that sick feeling persisted.

It was only very recently that it left, and it happened at Albertsons. I was leaving Oregon City to head back to Hillsboro where Chris and I were spending the weekend with his parents. I had made the trip to OC to get my hair cut, and I stopped at Albertsons on the way back because I was hungry and thought I would grab a power bar or something to tide me over. I was browsing the aisles when I heard someone call my name, and when I looked up it was Dyan, Brad’s mom. I walked over and said hello, and she immediately gave me a hug and started asking me about married life. I was a little shocked, but it subsided quickly and we chatted a bit. Her eyes grew misty when she started talking about the garden they made for Brad in their backyard. She said they loved me and asked me to keep in touch, and I was again a little startled. It was a strange revelation for me- they love me. They aren’t holding anything against me. Just like Brad, they’re not about to shut me out.

After we said our goodbyes, I had to tell someone, so I called my mom. I really do feel like that was a divine appointment for me. I didn’t get anything at Albertsons, but I was there at the right time, in the right place, and I heard what I needed to hear- “we love you.” I sat in my car and didn’t cry- I just thanked God and honestly felt a burden lifted.

I’ve had two dreams about Brad since he passed on- in one, it was a dream-within-a-dream in which he was alive, and as such it was bittersweet because we both knew I was dreaming. I woke up feeling despondent and heartbroken. Last night, however, I had another dream where he came back to life, but I wasn’t dreaming in the dream (if that makes sense). We goofed off and hung out like we used to, and I woke up without that feeling of sad emptiness. Instead, I felt like I had just gotten back from hanging out with him before he was sick- goofy and happy and still giggling at whatever silly thing he had done.

I know that losing him is always going to hurt. But in the beginning, I felt like it was something that I could never heal from. I felt like the emptiness, pain, and anger would always be there. Sometimes I talk to him in my car or when I’m walking. It’s not praying- who knows if he can hear me. But in some strange way I’d like to think that he can, and that helps me. I’m not angry at God anymore. I know that I won’t ever completely understand- that’s why He is God, and I’m not. He says in Isaiah 55:8-9- “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are My ways your ways” , says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

Remembering reading The Shack helps, too (it’s a book I strongly recommend)- it’s okay to be mad at God. He can take it. We need to understand…that we can’t understand His ways because we are human, and He acknowledges this and gives us permission to be angry and confused. I think that all He wants us to do is remember that ultimately, He is in control and he knows what He’s doing.

It’s not easy, but I think that it’s a concept Brad was able to grasp- God’s ways are higher than ours, and if we trust in Him then it doesn’t matter if we don’t understand, because He does. I don’t know if I’m completely there yet, but I’m certainly trying.