Do you see?

I haven’t written much about this, which is surprising since when I experience turmoil in my life one of the first things I usually do to get over it is start writing about it. But this has been an exceptionally crappy month, and I have been too busy actually dealing with my problems to have the time or motivation to sit down and write about them!

But even though this month has-let’s not mince words here- sucked, it is this past month that God has been teaching me some extraordinary things.

First of all, May began badly. Some of you probably know about my grandpa, Poppie to us, and how sick he was with IPF (idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis), a terminal disease that ends in one of two ways: suffocation or heart failure. He was diagnosed about ten years ago, but the past few months were an incredibly fast downhill progression, ending on May 1st when he left us to go be with Jesus (because PRAISE GOD, he accepted Christ just a few weeks before!)

Our entire family was there when Poppie left, and that was a new experience for me. A rough one. But I have been overwhelmed by how amazing our entire family has been during this time, pulling through and being there for each other and for my Gramma, who has proven to be a very, very strong woman. (Something I never doubted, having always been a tiny bit afraid of her as a child).

It has been both a blessing and a curse that every time I lose someone close to me, it comes during a time of extreme change in my life that by itself would be ample cause for stress. When I lost Brad almost two years ago, I got the news on my honeymoon. Starting my new life with my husband was a welcome distraction from my grief, but my memories of our honeymoon and our first months together are now forever marred by the memory of losing Brad.

Similarly, during the same week that we lost Poppie, my father’s company, which I have worked for since we moved up from Eugene, was forced to undergo some major cost-cutting measures, having been hit pretty hard by the nasty economy. Being the most recent full-time employee and also the most expendable (I hope it does not sound like these words are spoken in bitterness, because they truly are not), my hours were cut  by about two-thirds and I had to give up my health insurance, just two months after I got it. This was a painful blow to my sense of stability, and a personal blow to my loudly ticking biological clock (yes, I am only 21, but having been married for almost two years and graduated from college, my thoughts have turned fervently toward the next milestone on my list…babies.) But I digress.

I did my very best not to panic, but the knowledge that my student loans are coming due in June with a very large monthly payment was hanging over my head. What were we supposed to do when, with my new hours, we wouldn’t even be able to make rent?

It was then that I knew I had to make a decision- do I put my trust in my Creator, who clothes the lilies in splendor and feeds even the little sparrows, or do I panic and make myself sick over circumstances out of my control? With a great deal of effort, I chose the former. I spoke it out loud in my car- “God, I trust you. Even if we lose everything, I trust you.” The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Not a week later, on the same day that we had our company meeting outlining our new cost-cutting measures, I was informed of an available part-time position at the company where my mom works. After about half an hour’s thought, I jumped at the opportunity, and was hired the same day because I am the daughter of the superwoman office coordinator. I felt a pang of guilt for eliminating the other applicant’s chances, but this job felt meant for me- coming on the exact day when I needed it, in perfect circumstances that nearly guaranteed I would be hired. And when my new boss asked if I could come in the next day, I heard a still, small voice simply say to me- “See?”

Yes, I see.

Things were still tough- even with two part time jobs I was still under 40 hours a week, with rent and bills and loan payments looming over our heads. Then I was contacted by a family friend, who wanted to know if I could start tutoring her daughter ASAP. At the time I had just one client one day a week, and this new one bumped me up to three days a week. (I don’t charge a lot, but with the new addition it’s enough for my car insurance payment!) The amazing thing was that I did not seek this out- she came to me after I had made mention that I was available for English tutoring. Again, that small voice- “See?” 

Yes, I see.

Several weeks passed, and things were still tight. Even with three part-time jobs including my new tutoring gigs, my husband’s hours had gone down to nothing as a result of the same cost-cutting measures that had cut mine, and those loans were still coming. At this point it seemed that my only choice was to try and get them deferred on account of economic hardship, and I was hesitant to have to begin the arduous process with three different lenders, as well as the fact that I just wanted to start getting them paid off- anyone with huge debt of any kind knows what a nasty, smelly monkey it is to have on your back.

And I hate monkeys.

Just a day or two before I knew I would have to steel myself to start making calls, my husband came home and told me that he had been hired onto his dad’s landscaping crew full-time! It’s nasty, dirty manual labor- the very thing my husband had gone to college to avoid ever having to do- but it’s a FULL-TIME JOB! (The first he has been able to find since he graduated a year ago.) I was ecstatic- this meant that we wouldn’t have to defer my loans! We can start paying them off- and oh! We can buy groceries! And gas! Never have I been so excited to send my husband on a long commute for long hours doing dirty, hard work and seeing him much, much less. As he told me about this job he really didn’t want, that he was going to do anyway for the sake of taking care of us, again I heard that small voice- “See?” Yes, I see.

I have faced another problem this past week, triggered by one Mr.Harold Camping, whom some of you may have heard of recently. He predicted that the rapture would occur on May 21, 2011. Of course the bible tells us that no man knows the day nor the hour, so most people gave him no credence, nor did I, but the issue of end times has always been one to cause me discomfort. I have the confident hope of my salvation in Jesus Christ and know where I will spend eternity, but from childhood on, the speculations and unknowns surrounding biblical end time prophecy has always been a source of fear for me. So when Mr. Camping made his un-biblical prediction, even though I know what scripture says, it sparked that old anxiety, which quickly became an intensely roaring flame. I couldn’t sleep. I could barely eat. And the worst part was,  I couldn’t understand why I felt this way. Yes, the unknown is disturbing, but shouldn’t I have faith that my creator will take care of me? I know I am saved. So why so much anxiety? It became so bad that I didn’t even want the window open, because every little noise- a passing car or airplane, a train, a car horn- made my heart jump into my throat. After several nights of very little sleep, I came to suspect that I was being attacked.

I believe in spiritual warfare. I believe that we do not contend with flesh and blood. Those things which are unseen are much more real- and dangerous- than that which is seen. And when every rational effort on my own part was unsuccessful at getting rid of this crippling fear, I began to speak out against it as a spirit of fear (which does NOT come from God) and to rebuke it in Jesus’ name and kindly inform it that it had no place in my mind, in my household, or in my life. I was in a vulnerable position- personal bereavement, financial uncertainty, and mounds of stress- and was taken advantage of in a way that made me very mad once I recognized it for what it was. I have dealt with fear in the past- it’s not a new thing for me. But once I identified it’s modus operandi- latching on to my weak point and dragging me down, trying to paralyze me with irrational fear- and took hold of the authority that I have as a child of God and claimed my home as my place of safety and peace- it has gone. I know it’s lurking right there around the corner, waiting for a vulnerable moment. But I will be ready for it. “See?” Yes! I see!

A few nights ago, before I had gotten rid of that crippling fear, I was sitting alone in the house, curled up on the couch with my bible, and sobbing- crying out to God and wondering where He was. “Why can’t I feel you?” I cried, pounding my fists on the couch like a child, my face red and contorted, my wrenching sobs catching in my throat and tears gushing down my cheeks. Snot. “Where are you? I need you! Please don’t leave me alone! I can’t do this alone. Where are you?”

I had no revelation- no overwhelming sense of supernatural peace. But I was reminded of when this all started, when I made the choice to trust in God, even if things didn’t ever turn out the way I wanted them to. And I looked back on all that He had done for us. How He had provided for us every single time that we needed Him. Not always in OUR timing, not always in the way we expected Him to. Never in the way we expected Him to. But He always, ALWAYS came through, and it was always better than we could have imagined, albeit sometimes painful. Sometimes the storm before the rainbow is REALLY violent. So, sitting there on that couch, I knew that even though I felt utterly alone, I was not. He was there. He was holding me, just like He always has been. I was crying “Where are you?” to someone who was sitting right beside me.

“Do you see now? Do you see that I was there in the room with you as you lost your sweet Poppie? Do you see that I was there when your hours were cut and you thought you were going to lose your apartment? Do you see that I held you as you tossed and turned in fear every night? Do you see what I have done for you? Do you see how much I love you? Do you see? Do you see that I will never, ever leave you?”

Yes. I see.

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?
Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Luke 12:6-7; Matthew 10-29-31

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